funny poker jokes

Dog Gone Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Bill Gates get's a Poker Lesson

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says, "Bill you're such a unique individual that we've decided to give you a choice between heaven and hell."Bill thinks about this and asks if he can get a look at the two options. St. Peter says, "Sure, I've got a couple of windows you can look through." So he opens the window to heaven and Bill sees lots of angels sitting on clouds plucking harps. Peter then opens the second window to hell. It's a brightly lit casino ?lots of people drinking, laughing, and having a good time. There are naked dancing girls on stage and in the corner a nice little poker room. Doyle, Mike and other poker greats are playing Bill's favorite $3-$6 Hold'em. There's an empty seat with chips and they wave at Bill to come join them in the game. Bill tells Saint Peter that he's decided that hell looks like its more fun than heaven and he wants to join the poker game. Saint Peter snaps his fingers and Bill's wish is granted.
Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home. Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?" Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".

POKER NEWS:Online Whizz Kid David Benefield Talks about Live Tournaments and his Playing Style

Despite only being 23-years-old, David Benefield has been tearing up the biggest no-limit hold'em cash games online for some time now. In 2008, he branched out onto the tournament circuit and threatened great things before suffering at the hands of lady luck in the later stages. Benefield finished 77th in the World Series Of Poker main event before a cruel outdraw at the hands of Brandon Cantu cost him the opportunity to play down to the final table as one of the chip leaders. Nonetheless, he arrived in London undeterred for the World Series Of Poker Europe, presented by Betfair, and finished Day 1B of the main event right at the top of the leader board with a massive stack of 126,775 chips. Card Player caught up with the young Texan at the dinner break to discuss how he managed to get all those chips, his unique style, and the significance winning a big tournament would have on him.

Shane Gittes: How has the day been going so far David?

David Benefield: I've got about 100k, and I've been running really good. Every time I get it in, I win. It's pretty tough to lose when you keep getting the nuts and it holds up!

SG: So most of your chips have simply come through having big hands then?

DB: Yeah, I've had a bunch of big hands. I've actually been playing pretty tight but when I've had a hand I've been re-raising and flopping big. Better yet, people just aren't folding to me. It’s good to have big hands and get paid off on them.

SG: Talk us through some of those hands.

DB: Really early on I had 9-9 on the button. I had re-raised probably three or four times already and this was in level one with the blinds at 50/100. Anyway, middle position makes it 300, and he'd been playing pretty tight. Somebody else called and then I made it 1,200 with the 9-9. It gets folded back to him and he makes it 3,000. The other guy folds and I call.

SG: When he makes it 3000, do you see his hand as essentially being face-up as a big pair?

DB: Not really, he seemed like he was getting kind of fed up because I had been re-raising a fair bit compared to the rest of the table, so he could have had nothing. I'm just hoping to, you know, flop a nine and if not, get lucky! He had 16k behind. Anyway I flopped a set, he bet out 5,000 and I called. The turn was an off-suit deuce, he checked and I bet 4,000. He had like 6k behind. River was a king, he shipped it with K-J and I obviously called, so that was a big one. Another big one was a bit later with 150/300 blinds. I had 60,000 at this point and Julian Thew in the small blind had probably 25-30k. I raised to 800, Thew makes it 2,500 and I just call with K-K. The flop comes 6-5-2. He bets out 2,500, I make it 7k pretty quick and he ships it for 20,000. I call. He actually had a set but I turned a king! I'm really running good! I mean I've had big hands and when they aren't the best I suck out so what can you do.

SG: I've been watching you do this, but I know something that you emphasise a lot is the importance of the button in no-limit hold'em.

DB: Yes, I've been playing really aggressively on the button all day. I had a cool hand recently actually with the guy on my right. He made it 1,100 to go which was a pretty big raise and so I made it 3,500 with 4 4 on the button. He called and the flop came down Q 8 7 with two spades. He checked, and I bet 2,600 which was really, really small. He called super-fast and the turn was a 6. So the board read Q 9 8 7. He checked to me and had about 36k left. I bet 7,600 and I was going to put him in on the river pretty much whatever card came but luckily he folded.

SG: So you said you were going to put him all-in on the river, but what's your thought process there with just a pair of fours?

DB: I felt like he had a pair and a spade but not the ace of spades. He could have had a hand like K-Q, or maybe even as strong as A-Q. But it's such a scary board that he can't call if he checks it. Obviously if he bets anything, then I am snap-folding but I just felt the way the hand went down I'd be able to three-barrel and get him off his hand.

SG: You have a very unique style as far as betting patterns go. Often you make very small 'Raptor' bets as they've been coined online. How do players in the live arena cope with these?

DB: It really depends on the person. A lot of people really hate folding so a lot of the time I get really angry quick calls before I take it away on the turn.

SG: Do you get a lot of people trying to come over the top of you because they are confused by your small bets?

DB: I think actually a lot of people just don't really know what to do with it. My whole philosophy is to put people in situations that they're not used to dealing with and to get them out of their comfort zone. They'll give something away when they do that and play a hand really badly because of that.

SG: You played quite a few tournaments in the US WSOP this summer and now you're here. Is it important now for you to do well in tournaments?

DB: I don't play them for the money aspect so much. Well, obviously I play them to make money but realistically I could make more money sitting at home in front of my computer. But it's fun to get out and mix it up a little bit. I've always wanted to win a big live tournament but I just haven't got lucky enough yet.

SG: So do you share that same sort of passion as someone like Phil Hellmuth, for success and glory?

DB: It would be cool to get a bracelet but really I just want to win a live tournament. EPT, WPT, WSOP, it doesn't matter, I just want to have that on my record.

It’s a wise strategy to slow play

Sometimes it’s crucial for you to take quick and instant actions after your opponents acted while some other times it’s wise to slow your playing tempo.

Slow playing is an effective strategy to draw more cash out of your opponents by inducing them into a false sense of security. If you are holding a good hand, take for example pocket 7's and you call the blinds to see the flop. Lets assume that the flop brings another 7, an ace, and 3. There is now very little chance that you will be beaten. With luck your opponent will be holding an ace. Slow playing is when you are usually seated in an early position and check rather than bet. Hopefully your opponent will bet, giving you the opportunity to raise. In this instance, by allowing them to lead the betting, they have become pot committed and are now lacking confidence in their hand. With luck they will call your re-raise allowing you to bleed more cash from their bankrolls.

However, there are several arguments against slow playing. The first and foremost is that you are most likely playing poker to win money. By not betting you are not drawing any money out your opponent. With each betting round that passes and no bet placed, you have missed a valuable opponent to draw money from your opponents when you are holding a confident hand. The other argument against slow playing is that you will often slow play, and come the next round, you opponent will pick up that card they need to trump your hand. Losing in this fashion, can be destructive to your game play, and set you in to an emotional frustrated state, which will only lead to you losing.

So, what you need to keep in your mind is to take the proper strategy of playing according to your particular hand, either loose or tightly. Be flexible all the time through the game.

What poker beginners should not do

Do not play too many hands

For beginners who just start their poker games, there will be many wrong actions or habits they may fall into. In order to avoid them, we need to understand them thoroughly first of all. A very common mistake many new poker players constantly make is that they play too many hands. Its exciting to be involved in the action, but if you don't want to lose all your money, then it’s best to play only a very limited selection of hands. Many pros play little more than 15% of all hands they are dealt. Employing a good hand selection strategy is one effective way of managing how many hands you are playing. For new poker players, it is more important to get quite familiar with the game rules and strategies than set your goal to be winning great amounts of money. And sometimes it’s beneficial for you to pay to learn some precious lessons.

Do not play by feelings, and emotion

Poker is first and foremost a game of probability. It is why you head the term odds bandied around so much in poker guides and forums. Poker is not a game of feeling and emotion. If I had a lot of money for every time I saw a new player play a hand because he had a feeling' about it. Sit with him on the same poker table, I would have a great load of money waiting for me to win .
The same can be said of players playing with their emotions; it rarely turns out well. Poker is about decisions, to make the best possible decisions with all available information. Feelings and emotions should be left at home with your partner. Be careful when you lose a couple of good hands that your emotions don't get the best of you. Remember that impulse is ghost, it can leads your to the failure valley. So, poker beginners should play their games with serious judgments rather than with their personal feelings or emotions.

Online chat as a playing strategy

There are great amounts of skills or tips or strategies for playing poker games online. Here is one strategy that you may find somewhat useful for your playing.
When you play poker games online, you can use your online chat during play as a strategic tool. If you want someone to think you're new at the game, you can ask beginner questions like, "How much do we win if we take 1st place?" Since nobody can see you smiling or sneering behind your computer, they many think you very new at the game and play loose against you. This can be a good strategy to use if it is near the beginning of the game and you got caught with a poor hand. In this case you may gain some chips when somebody calls your strong hand thinking you are weak.
You can also use the online chat to put people on tilt. We don't recommend doing this too often because it is not nice to upset people just to gain a better chance of winning. However, if you have someone who is a really crazy player or not so friendly, then by all means give it to them. In this case, you will most often have to boast that you're an excellent player. So you better be playing some good cards. If you can put the desired player on tilt, he or she may lose their concentration or desire to continue playing at that table therefore increasing the likelihood of playing worse hands or draw hands.
No matter what kinds of cats they are, they are good cats as long as they can catch mice. So just take your full advantage of your strategy to win in your poker games.

Skill of inducing your opponents to bluff

In most cases of playing poker games, if you bet, a player with a very poor hand will fold, but if you play the hand correctly, you may be able to get them to bet in hopes that you will fold, gaining you an additional bet. Here is a skill of inducing your opponent to bluff to put his chips in the pot.

Attempting to induce a bluff is not always successful and requires a solid understanding of your opponents betting tendencies and playing style. Position also plays a role, but it is not always extremely important. Here are a couple examples of inducing a bluff.

The most common way is if you must act first after the flop and check to an aggressive player. Depending on how good they are you may have to check to them on the turn also, showing weakness two times in a row to get them to bluff. Of course it is always possible that they will check behind you twice, but in this case, it is very unlikely that they would have called if facing a bet, so you don't really lose anything by trying. The real danger is giving your opponent a free look at the turn and / or river to improve their hand to one that will beat you.

Another tactic in a no limit game is to make a small bet showing weakness to make your opponent consider raising you in hopes of making you fold. This works well against weaker opponents, but most better opponents will recognize a small bet as a trap and get away from the hand. Of course this means that you may be able to make a small bet as a bluff against a solid player at a later time. Everything your opponent does may provide you with information you can use in the future.

All of this reinforces the discussions we have had in the past about paying attention and learning your opponents playing styles. Some opponents will bet every single time you check to them two times in a row, no matter what they have. Others will always check behind you unless they have a monster hand. By knowing what types of players your opponents are, you can pick up an extra bet or two every time you play. This increases your profitability a great deal over the course of your poker-playing career. So, you’d better make a note about the playing habits of your opponents on which to base your own decisions.
Again, practice makes perfect. Just put what you learn in practical use and you’ll be rewarded one day.

Some Basic Strategies for Low limit Texas Hold'em

Low limit Hold'em is the best place for poker beginners to start. Limit hold'em have fixed betting structures that means you won't lose large amounts on one hand.

1. Analyze your opponents and relative strength of your cards. Make it a habit to always anticipate what your opponents are holding and to continue the evaluation as more informaton is revealed in each of the later rounds. You will not be really successful unless you know how your opponents think.

2. Make it a point to recall playing styles of opponents. Ask yourself what types of hands they raise, what hands they re-raise, whether or not they call when holding weak cards, whether they play pocket pairs, whether they play draws, what hands they like to call or raise from early positions, as well as what hands they check or raise with to gain more insight into the players styles.

3. Bet or raise when it is warranted. If a bet or raise is worthwhile, don't simply call. The very structure of Limit Texas Hold'em encourages drawing hands, which might even bet into you. If you really think you have the best hand, it is wise to almost always bet or raise. Don't give away any free cards.

4. Always have a good kicker card. You want to have a good side card, called the kicker, to your highest card. Too often, weak kickers simply build second best hands and these can be expensive in the long run.

5. Vary your play so that you sometimes limp on raising hands and bet or raise on some calling hands. This should be done both before and after the flop so that you don't become predictable.

6. Save money by folding at the right times. Do not draw when you already know you are beaten and the pot isn't worthy of a call.

7. Bluff very rarely and only when you are certain your opposition does not hold great hands and/or are very weak when you attempt to bluff.

Believe that practice makes perfect, and as long as you put your heart in what you are doing, you’ll succeed one day.